@MenHumor

Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.

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@Michael1979

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

@pizzajaynow

Can someone help me figure out how much water I need to add to this baby powder in order to make a baby?

@squirrel74wkgn

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

@NrouteHQ

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

@Dwarven_Cleric

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

@botandy

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

@Shen_the_Bird

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right