Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.

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Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one


The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.


Can someone help me figure out how much water I need to add to this baby powder in order to make a baby?


Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”


[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering


People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.


‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress


me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right