Nothing says “I love you” like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.
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If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*pats crying child on the back*
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?