@wickedsuga

Nothing says “I love you” like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.

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@Jake_Vig

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

@abbycohenwl

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

@Ilovelamp1979

One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.

@wolfpupy

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

@AndyAsAdjective

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

@WheelTod

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

@GrantTanaka

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

@ClichedOut

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.