Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
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Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
#SuperBowl
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
new wife guy just dropped
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.