COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
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[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.