Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
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The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
a lot to unpack here
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT