“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
You Might Also Like
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
As the Lord intended
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake