When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok