Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
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Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
fourth time’s the charm
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
May never get over this
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse