@CantWaitToNap

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

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@kumailn

You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it’s not all pixelated looking down there?

@GashleyMadison

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

@good_one_rick

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

@Big_Cat74

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

@McGrumpenstein

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

@o__0Dev

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

@_b1p0larbear

I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.

@10kbabyspiders

I assume whenever I leave a room Oompa Loompas show up and teach everyone a valuable life lesson in song form around the mistakes I’ve made.