Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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dogs can find happiness so easily
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
It鈥檚 a good thing I鈥檓 not a bird. They鈥檇 be telling me I needed to fly south and I鈥檇 be like look guys, I only do right or left.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*pulling up to the mcdonald鈥檚 drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Son: I want a quincea帽era.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot鈥 don鈥檛 even work there.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.