Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19