Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.


Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”


My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.


They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people


JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola



Guys, I have an announcement to make.

I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.

Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.

Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?


All my friends say that I’m a psychopath. That’s not true, I don’t have any friends.


You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.


Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?