@Queen_Sassy_AF

Nothing says summer like being pushed back into the ocean because a group of kids think you’ve beached yourself.

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@jonnysun

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

@patrickmarkryan

On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

@Smooheed

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@Midgetspar

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

@HollyHeals

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

@MickSnark

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”