Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
You Might Also Like
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them