@Marcmywords2

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

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@ArfMeasures

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

@stewnami

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

@aveuaskew

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

@alldrolledup

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

@XplodingUnicorn

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

@LostFelicia

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

@GuyThe_Guy

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

@BurbidgeJames

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

@iLikeCatShirts

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.