Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
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If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
This was the best day of my life
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated