Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

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WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds


Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.


“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?


my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair


Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.


The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.


I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me


“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!


Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.