Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
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In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
From my Mom
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.