Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
DOOO EEEET
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow