Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
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whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.