[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
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My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, “Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.