@Love_bug1016

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

You Might Also Like

@Spaziotwat

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.

@mayamanion

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

@MakeYourBedlam

I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, “Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!”

@camillagluh

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

@steeve_again

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

@Cheeseboy22

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

@El_nacho_Nigre

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.