Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

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[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”


My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.


Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.


I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, “Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!”


the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs


Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?


Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”


If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.