Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
You Might Also Like
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Saturday
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“No way.” -Jose
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?