@WineMummy

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

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@cbdoubleu

[Arouses Suspicion]

Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.

@HatfieldAnne

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

@Spaziotwat

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

@DayneDimmick

I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.

@AnOrangeSNES

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

@crocodilethumbs

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

@zachreinert03

Any dance can be a no pants dance. In fact, might be a fun way to bring back the Macarena