Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
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I’m calling the cops.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
#CoronaOutbreak
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
courtroom exchange of the day
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.