Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
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72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”