when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
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Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.