Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
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3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.