Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
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Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I’m Sold!
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.