@TheBeerGuy_

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

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@AngelaEhh

Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.

@Divergentmama

You can check out anytime you like
You can never leave
Please bring me my wine

2020 is officially Hotel California

@joejwest

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

@80sjams

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

@pisscop

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS ??? ???????? ?????? ?? ???? ???? LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

@PhuckedCody

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

@thatUPSdude

“It’s only arson if you get caught”

~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids

@CatherineLMK

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

@TheBoydP

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger