Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.


Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”


7yo: [points to baptism outfit hanging in closet] IS THAT TINY WHITE OUTFIT FROM WHEN I DID BABY KARATE



Me: yup



My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.


Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.


I just used “volumizing” shampoo for the first time….

Everything sounds the same.


I slept through my girlfriend’s alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.


“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.