HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I didn’t realize that was an option
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
This is my pinned tweet
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭