I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈