– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other
Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Jim Carrey: all righty then
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*