Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.