Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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adding to the discourse
My blood type is coffee.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
*orders delivery*
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.