@XOperfectmessXO

Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door

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@Matt_the_1st

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

@Izianikapani

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

@NewDadNotes

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

@JesKeepSwimming

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

@GrillyJoel

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

@RidiculousSheri

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.