Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]