If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED “MARK DON’T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT.”