Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
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ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
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ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.