Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

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How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”


I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.


9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.


Ladies, if he’s:
– Possessive
– Confusing
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe


Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )


HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps


Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.


“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut