Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
no!! no!!!!!!
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
sigh
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.