Wait for it
Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Calling a girl “honey” is ok.
Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.
I’m a relationship expert.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”
God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My home state just announced a new drug awareness campaign.
Here it is.