God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Jury: We’re hung
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.