a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
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I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.