@AristotlesNZ

Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.

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@causticbob

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

@3sunzzz

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

@LackOfShame

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

@Home_Halfway

I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in

@AimeeHelene1

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

@nbadag

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

@KattsDogma

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

@PaperWash

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

@Swishergirl24

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.