@AristotlesNZ

Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.

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@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@Adam14

Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.

@dril

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

@gwatts77

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

@ddsmidt

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

@DumbConfessions

Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”

Both: “LOLOLOLOL”

@SwedishCanary

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving