Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
got so much cardio in today
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler