This is brilliant
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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Your turtle puns tortoise family apart
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
when you’re a kid you’re like “how do actors cry so easily?” and when you grow up you’re like “how is anyone ever not crying?”
[spiders pour into room]
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.