Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.