Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

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They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.


Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.


How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent


I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.


I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it


I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.


gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind


People keep coming up to me & saying “You have the right amount of hair my son.” Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??


Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.