Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!


me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you


I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.


Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?


Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.


[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot


Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.


[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok