@Donna_McCoy

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

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@jazmasta

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.

@lilgapeach30

Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.

@AndyAsAdjective

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

@Tbone7219

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

@Geanina_26K

I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it

@TheMichaelRock

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

@dog_feelings

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

@brendohare

People keep coming up to me & saying “You have the right amount of hair my son.” Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??

@AJEatsCake

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.