Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
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My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I’m sure it’s fine.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Who chose this font
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.