Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.