@pixelatedboat

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

You Might Also Like

@Home_Halfway

BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired

@AngryRaccoon2

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

@lakeanagirl

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

@PeaceInTruth1

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

@UncleDuke1969

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

@Tbone7219

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

@UnFitz

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

@HalliB

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one