“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

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BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired


If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.


I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.


Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone


Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!


I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.


Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”


Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.


Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one