“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Fries, not lies.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law