BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me: collaborate and listen
Me: you forget about me
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one