“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.