“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
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2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Breaking news:
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.