You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
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I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*