Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application