@heatherlou_

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

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@dmc1138

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

@DanMentos

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

@e4moji

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

@blade_funner

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

@Marlebean

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

@merylnyc

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

@stanfordhoward_

Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.

@Desert_Musings

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

@mydmac

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.