[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
You Might Also Like
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things