Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
You Might Also Like
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I hope google does well on my son’s test
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”