Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
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4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.