Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no