@2tickytacky

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

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@InternetHippo

Feeling good about the economy, and my life in particular, because of the stock market. I don’t have money in the stock market, I just like to see the numbers get big

@SenatorBigfoot

“How’s Mason doing?”
Ugh, he’s going through this emu kid phase.
“Don’t you mean emo kid?”
*boy covered in feathers runs past*
I wish.

@Jennuflect

*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
*text chime*
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?

@WarrenHolstein

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

@aPunch2theJunk

I work with a guy named Rick.

I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”

@BuckyIsotope

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

@ohen39

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: I’m a big fan of your work

@Brianhopecomedy

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

@DamienFahey

When Chipotle says, “Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?” I pause, then say, “Hang on, let me call my financial advisor.”