NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
kitchen magnet