“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
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Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.