Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
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Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.