@Bearslietoo

Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.

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@einsteinsexual

Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.

@thereverendcink

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

@JimmerThatisAll

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

@InternetHippo

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

@stevevsninjas

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

@Beatweek

Obama has been endorsed by Warren Buffett, Colin Powell, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. Romney has been endorsed by Lindsay Lohan.

@trilldrone

“911 what’s your em-”

STAMPEDE

“slow down sir”

IN THE GORGE

“sir I’m gonna need you t-”

SIMBAS DOWN THERE

@SadieSkyNinja

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.