Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.

You Might Also Like


After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”


Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.


THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say


I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?


I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.


[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.


I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.


I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.