[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
how to market bottled water to dads
when mom throws a party…
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.