@Bearslietoo

Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.

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@Cheeseboy22

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

@MomOfTeen

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

@skullmandible

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

@wendchymes

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

@NoahGarfinkel

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

@3sunzzz

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

@bridger_w

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

@MissHavisham

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.