After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I’ll be like “I know a spot” and dig you a grave.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.