With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Date: omg it鈥檚 so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don鈥檛 need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Her: What鈥檚 for dinner?
Me: It鈥檚 a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn鈥檛 you?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it鈥檚 a fish
Me: OH MY GOD I鈥橫 BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I’m choking laughing omfg 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I鈥檓 at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I鈥檓 wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 馃槀
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it鈥檚 been a while since I鈥檝e had it- mac & cheese
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
kids play hide and seek like
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead